Bonjour Bliss: #wedding wednesday

Bonjour Bliss: #wedding wednesday: This is such an exciting post for me, it is our first of a fun sequence deemed #weddingwednesday! Every wednesday from now till August I wi...

The Daily Regimen for My Anxiety/Depression

This is a list of all the various medications and such I take on a regular basis that keep my brain in sane condition.  Probably won't be interesting to many but to that one person it might make all the difference in the world to know these things.

150mg Lamictal.    (Mood stabilizer)
100-200mg Wellbutrin.    ( depression)
300mg Krill oil.   (Brain health)
100mg Zoloft.  (Social anxiety)
100mg 5-htp.  (Mood & relaxation)
440mg Mind Trac.  (Brain food)
1000mg L-Tyrosine.  (Amino acid)
1000mg GABA.  (Amino acid)

I also take Relora & vitamin C for anxiety as needed.  I also use essential oils for any number of mental, emotional, physical dilemmas.
     

What is neurovitaldeficiency disorder?

FLASHBACK:  March 2010
I really feel that although positive affirmations seemed only damaging when I was a teenager, that now they will help me.  I feel as though my brain is in a position whereby thinking positive will produce the chemicals (learn to produce the chemicals) I need to feel peace and not depression - or others feelings and frustrations associated with brain defects.

I know rationally it's against the course of nature for my brain to be healed of this nearly life-long illness.  Hence, I am praying for a miracle.  This being my affirmation:

Plenty of people have had miraculous lives - overcoming all odds.  Who's to say that I can't be one of them?

What is neurovitaldeficiency disorder?

I like this friendly looking guy.

Enough Energy

FLASHBACK- May 12, 2013

The past few weeks have been rather overwhelming as with work we have been trying to learn new things, programs, developing skills in photography, marketing, interest business and design.
Of course all these things take that which I have an abnormally limited amount- mental energy.  So these past few weeks I've felt a lot of frustration and been praying and hoping for miracles and just general worry about how to do what I want with my limitations.
And then yesterday morning a sweet voice of inspiration spoke to me saying,

Destry, what are you doing being frustrated with everything you don't have when you can do so much with what energy you do have?

I remembered how I have been able to do tons more than I ever thought or could imagine ever being possible in my lifetime!  I mean, my goal in life had become mere survival- let alone ambition!
I feel truly blessed to have had that revelation tht changed my view from "glass half empty" to "glass half full" in only moments time.
I have also been blessed by various affirmations that are making me into the kind of person that can be successful in business.  Only weeks ago I felt so entirely inadequate as an entire being to DARE enter a world of business- a.k.a. people.

Operation Eliminate Excess Cortisol

TODAY


I'm on a mission to find out how to eliminate the excess cortisol from my body.  I think that's a big thing that is giving me anxiety.  Why?  Because I won't even be stressed out and my body will still be tense and on-edge for no reason.  Like I'll be watching a peaceful movie to relax and I'll still be so intense about it.  I really think this is caused by cortisol problems.  So last night I looked up what to do to get rid of it.
   
 An article I read:

Six Tips To Reduce The Stress Hormone Cortisol 

     1. Eliminate caffeine from your diet. It’s the quickest way to reduce cortisol production and elevate the production of DHEA, the leading anabolic youth hormone. 200 mg of caffeine (one 12 oz mug of coffee) increases blood cortisol levels by 30% in one hour! Cortisol can remain elevated for up to 18 hours in the blood. This is the easiest step to decrease your catabolic metabolism and increase your anabolic metabolism.

     2. Sleep deeper and longer. The average 50 year old has nighttime cortisol levels more than 30 times higher than the average 30 year old. Try taking melatonin, a natural hormone produced at night that helps regulate sleep/wake cycles, before going to sleep to boost your own melatonin production that also decreases with age. You may not need it every night, but if you are waking up in the middle of the night or too early in the morning, melatonin can help you sleep deeper and lengthen your sleep cycle. If you get sleepy during the day even though you had plenty of rest, back off the melatonin for a while. It’s a sign you are getting too much.

     3. Exercise regularly to build muscle mass and increase brain output of serotonin and dopamine, brain chemicals that reduce anxiety and depression. Cherniske recommends taking DHEA supplements to shorten the adaptation period when out-of-shape muscles and cardiovascular system discourage people from continuing to exercise before they get in shape. DHEA also accelerates the building of muscle mass and increases the feeling of being strong and energetic.

     4. Keep your blood sugar stable. Avoid sugar in the diet and refined carbohydrates to keep from spiking your insulin production. Eat frequent small meals balanced in protein, complex carbohydrates and good fats like olive oil and flax seed oil. Diets rich in complex carbohydrates keep cortisol levels lower than low carbohydrate diets. Keep well hydrated – dehydration puts the body in stress and raises cortisol levels. Keep pure water by your bed and drink it when you first wake up and before you go to sleep.

     5. Take anti-stress supplements like B vitamins, minerals like calcium, magnesium, chromium and zinc, and antioxidants like vitamin C, alpha lipoic acid, grapeseed extract, and Co Q 10. Adaptogen herbs like ginseng, astragalus, eleuthero, schizandra, Tulsi (holy basil) rhodiola and ashwagandha help the body cope with the side effects of stress and rebalance the metabolism. These supplement and herbs will not only lower cortisol levels but they will also help you decrease the effects of stress on the body by boosting the immune system.

     6. Meditate or listen to relaxation tapes that promote the production of alpha (focused alertness) and theta (relaxed) brain waves. Avoid jolting alarm clocks that take you from delta waves (deep sleep) to beta waves (agitated and anxious) and stimulants like caffeine that promote beta waves while suppressing alpha and theta waves.

For a deeper exploration of the role of cortisol and the consequences of long-term elevation of stress hormones in the body, read The Cortisol Connection by Shawn Talbott, Ph.D. and The Metabolic Plan by Stephen Cherniske, M.S.

A lot of these things I've tried.  But they didn't seem to have much effect.  I don't drink caffeine at all.  Done.  With my sleeping, I already regulate my anxiety by adjusting my alarm settings so that if I've been anxious I'll turn the volume quiet and have it just be the radio.  Exercise,  that's an interesting thing and could be tinkered with.  So back in the summer I decided to try exercising to release stress.  I ended up going running.  Now, when I'm depressed I get really into running- I guess because its the only thing that will wake me up.  I'm scared to work out too hard because last time I got into running (a few months ago) I was feeling really good about things and the fact that I could go running and not end up exhausted after.  Well then after 3 months I crashed major.  Like a depressive-phase.  I usually don't have such manic-depressive symptoms anymore, but it was awful.

So I get "night-sweats" I guess you could call them.  Where I'll wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat- regardless of the temperature in my room.  I NEVER sweat.  I can't even make myself sweat!  Even when I exercise crazy I barely sweat.  I'm thinking maybe this is a way that my body gets rid of the excess cortisol.  Because my body usually feels pretty relaxed when I wake up in the morning.  And it's such a strange thing.  It would be nice if I had access to a sauna.  I know that when I get really hot- then I relax, followed by getting tired.  It would be a nice way to control my anxiety. I truly believe that sweating is an important way to eliminate toxins from the body.  I just can't get myself to sweat enough!

I'm wondering if maybe I could just do a simple yoga routine and that would be enough.  The only thing is- I hate it!  I hate exercising and I've found that if an activity is helpful usually I can tell.
 

New Year's Eve Sociality

TODAY:
There is something about conversation that eludes me.  It's not psychological either.  There is something distinct with my brain that makes conversation difficult.  I will elaborate later.  At any rate, I had a date with a friend last night.  I don't like being one-on-one with other people for conversational purposes.  It's difficult for me to follow what they are saying quickly enough to respond at the normal rate which people converse in.  I enjoy being with this guy but until this point I've tried to keep our interaction to being with a group of people so I didn't have the conversation issue and discomfort.  But last night I tried it.  I was fun, but I used a lot of anxiety.  I was practically shaking.  But I didn't want to just sit there and say nothing and I probably would have if I hadn't been anxious because I was feeling rather dead in the brain before I wend to dinner with him.  After dinner we had planned to watch a movie but I was too frazzled and uncomfortable to.  I just wanted to have a calm mind again.  So I left.  I had to.  When I'm stressed my peace of mind is more valuable than anything to me.  I went home and watched boring tv and concentrated on relaxing my back so I could feel peace again.  It was a tough decision to make in such an anxious, fearful state.  But once I got home and settled down and back to my peace, I knew it was a good decision.

NEURO-VITAL DEFICIENCY DISORDER

FLASHBACK:  I wrote this article about 7 years ago.  Though my mental state has greatly changed for the better.  I still use these ideas every, single day.

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NEURO-VITAL DEFICIENCY DISORDER

“Avoid straining the brain.  It causes pain and drives you insane.”

A new diagnosis

​There are two reasons why I feel the need for a new diagnosis.  First of all, because I really believe some of this stuff is true, despite my lack of scientific knowledge.  I have found that when I make choices regarding my life with consideration of the following ideas I have much more success.  Secondly, I don’t like having an un-definable disorder.  I want to be understood by others (without a detailed explanation). I don’t like it when I need to explain to others what is wrong with me or why I’m so moody or why I’m crying or why I’m their friend one day and fear them the next.  I want to be honest and clear- just as a person who has the flu can say, “I don’t feel well today because I have the flu.”  

My brain energy theory

​Through all my personal experiences, analyzing others and even some research I have come to believe that the amount of brain energy a person has has more to do with their personalities and choices than we may think.  I know for me, that I don’t have the energy to do many of the things I want to and I don’t have the energy to be the person that I want to.  In many ways I feel powerless over my choices.  I also believe that individuals with low levels of brain energy are more likely to end up with mental/emotional disorders and make more poor decisions in life.  From my experience mental andemotional disorders are directly related.  

The following are some general attributes of individuals along the spectrum of brain energy levels.  NVD disorder would fit to the left of the hypo-neuro vitality list.

Hypo-neuro vitalily​​​Moderate-neuro vitality​​​Hyper-neurovitality 

Pessimistic​​​​moderation of both​​​positive attitude

Lack of energy​​​​​​​​​self-confidence

Lower self-esteem/confidence​​​​​​​high energy

Shy​​​​​​​​​​ambitious

Greater sensitivity​​​​​​​​out-going

Generally slower​​​​​​​​generally fast-paced

Moody​​​​​​​​​​happy​​​​​​​​​​​

What is NVD Disorder?

​It’s a given that our brains need energy to survive, but what happens when our brains don’t produce enough energy to function properly?    

The following is a list of generalized symptoms of NVDD that I’ve complied.  Notice how they include both mental and emotional problems.

​-General confusion​

-Low level of aural and reading comprehension

​-Low mental energy or focus

​-Generalized anxiety or fear

​-Easily overwhelmed or underwhelmed (over or under- stimulated)

​-Inconsistent mental function

​-Instable brain stimulation (go to sleep or panicked- at its’ extremes)

​-Emotional hyper-sensitivity

​-Mood disorders (depression, anxiety, bi-polar, ADD, ADHD, Narcolepsy)

Psychological vs. Mental

I do not discount that a lot of peoples’ emotional problems are truly unresolved feelings of the past or due to irrational thinking.  But in my circumstances, and maybe others as well, I think the problem is with the brain.  

​The first five years after developing depression I spent endless time dealing with, scouring, and rummaging through my past experiences and traumas and feelings.  I went to endless counseling and did every kind of forgiving and feeling of emotions, etc. until I came to a point where my past seemed completely irrelevant to my current emotional problems.  I held no resentments.  My past was clear.    None the less, I still suffer a lot of emotional pain.  But this is due, I believe, to physiological issues with my brain and body and the feelings caused rather than psychological errors in thinking.  It’s the fact that I’m hyper-sensitive that I continue to struggle on a daily basis.  This hyper-sensitivity (Neuro Hyper-Sensitivity) is directly related to my brains lack of energy or Neuro Vital Deficiency as I will later discuss.    

In summary, I believe that I was born with a lower level of brain energy than the average person and this has resulted in many of the emotional difficulties I’ve experienced in my life.    

The need for anxiety

​So, it’s obvious why those with NVD get depressed.  Their brains don’t have the energy to produce those high-energy emotions of feeling good (or even just OK).  But how does anxiety come in to play here?  

​Often times I’ve been told (and I’ve told myself) “You’ll do a better job if you just relax.”  But I usually need the stress to focus my mind.  It’s just as we learn in school health classes:  “some stress is good.”  That heightened awareness can help a person’s mind and body perform quicker and more accurately.  For individuals with NVD even more stress may be needed for good performance- even forany performance.

​In conclusion, anxiety is not a ‘disorder’ in and of itself as much as we think.  It’s actually a way for the brain to cope with its lack of energy.  

​In order to compensate for the brains lack of energy it gets the body involved.  The best way for me to think of this is in comparing it to poor eye-sight.  When you can’t quite see something you can squint (tighten and strain your eyes) and that allows you to see better- at least momentarily.  I’ve come to realize that while growing up I actually needed my anxiety.  Like squinting, by tensing and straining I could focus my mind better; but, it also heightened my arousal- which makes a person more likely to beafraid of things because of being overwhelmed.  

​In my many efforts to relieve my anxiety I have also come to realize that rationally my anxiety makes sense- making it harder to overcome.  My innate sense of worry helps me to be prepared for unexpected situations that may disturb me emotionally if I have no advanced warning.  In preparing and making sure I do things right the first time I avoid mistakes that could require additional mental effort and stress later on.

​I want to note that NVD Disorder does not necessarily make a person un-intelligent.  From this paper it is obvious to see I’m no dummy.  It’s more about the endurance of my mental abilities and the speed at which I can access them.  I have the motto that “I can do just about anything as long as I am given enough time.”  A major area that is effected  by this lack of energy is in rationalizing and reasoning function, as well.    

Neuro Hyper-Sensitivity Disorder

​Directly secondary to this lack of brain energy or NVD is NHSD or Neuro Hyper-Sensitivity Disorder.  Because those with NVD lack energy they don’t process or filter incoming information as effectively. Because their brains are half asleep as it is, just being awake causes their brains to get “worked up.”  This produces more adrenaline and cortisol, giving them keen senses and an elevated sense of awareness.

The anxiety helps them to think also creates elevated senses at the same time.  This, in turn, increases ones anxiety thus resulting in being overwhelmed.  The same tension the brain uses from the body to focus and think better, ends up also increasing the sensory awareness.  Thus these individuals end up with a lot of fears due to the heightening state of arousal their body/mind maintains in order to think and process.  This also acts as a protection from further overwhelming information that might sneak up on them.  Hypersensitivity is also caused by the brains inability to rationalize and sort through outside stimulus.  

It’s become easy for me to see the difference in being highly-sensitive and just being normally sensitive due to my frequent mood switches.  I live in two entirely different worlds within the course of a few days.  I can go from feeling like crying over everything said to me and being constantly worriedabout others feelings to being blunt with people and feeling very sure of myself.  

​The following quote by Pearl Buck describes hyper-sensitivity well:

The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.

​I believe that my social anxiety is actually just a byproduct of the above disorders.  I’m not genuinely afraid of people.  I’m just really, really sensitive.  I am actually afraid of just about everythingin general.  It just so happens that people are complicated, unpredictable and highly stimulating. And communicating requires dealing with a lot of emotions and mental comprehension.  The biggest thing of all is that being highly-sensitive I am constantly concerned with others emotions.  In fact, at one point I defined my social anxiety as simply being an over-awareness of others.

I have a strong practice of using affirmations.  This does not, in and of its self, solve any of my problems with hyper-sensitivity; it just helps me cope with it.  I feel confident that my hyper-sensitivity can only be solved in two ways:  either by years and years of exposure/comfort therapy or by a change in my brain.  It will probably require both.

The development of other disorders

​Over time, a low functioning brain’s energy regulation may morph into a bi-polar situation (at least in my situation, where it flip-flops between excellent function and nearly brain dead).  I believe that this is what happened with me.  I used to be just generally depressed.  I would get to the point where I couldn’t stand to be depressed anymore and I would determine to change.  So I would be the opposite; but being out-going and trying to do the things I’d been afraid of would cause my body chemicals to go crazy with adrenaline and cortisol.  Before long I would crash.  Over time my body/mind accommodated to my desire for a lot of energy at times by creating these energy cycles.

​

Over-stimulation vs. under-stimulation

​A lot of what we choose to do in life has to do with our desire for optimum stimulation of our brains.  When our minds have been over-stimulated we get overwhelmed and eventually worn out.  When our minds are under-stimulated we seek excitement, sociality or other diversions.  There’s a fine line for the right amount of energy in the brain.

​I think I first really began studying brain stimulation when I had some big challenges in college.  I would attend dance classes and feel fully engaged and enjoy them.  Next, I would go to my education classes ready and willing to learn.  I couldn’t stay awake unless I was working with people or doing something proactive.  Otherwise I’d zonk out completely- no matter how hard I tried.  After class was over I was wide awake again- until my next non-interactive class.  I also noticed brain-stimulation when driving for long periods of time.  I could not stay awake on the free-way for more than a minute during my brain-damaged times.  The problem was, I would pull over to rest only to find that I wasn’t tired anymore.  

I think that these types of problems are what children and adults with ADD or ADHD may deal with.  And learning to manage their brain stimulation levels may benefit them as it has me.  In pondering why these illnesses are becoming more and more prevalent in our society it makes me wonder if a lot of it is due to the excessive stimulation our minds receive.  Due to medications and my own coping strategies (bases on my theory) my brains stimulation levels are much healthier.      

​

Room for error

​I recognize that there is a lot of room for error in this theory I’ve come up with.  First of which is, that I really don’t have a lot of knowledge about the brain and how it works.  I wish I did because I would have more pieces to fit into the puzzle.  

​Next, if you haven’t yet noticed, I don’t know how emotionally to deal with the fact that I have personal weaknesses.  But my point here is that I recognized I could have just conjured these ideas up so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for myself- so I could blame my problems on a brain disorder.  It ispossible, but being that nearly every brain malfunction that comes along for me has fit into this theory leads me to believe that it really may be correct.

My future

​Right now I feel I’m in a very good place and improving in leaps and bounds every day.  Through inspiration I am able to approach every task and challenge knowing that if I do it the right way and don’t overstrain myself then it can be strengthening for my brain.  Studying helps me learn to use my brain gently.  When I make myself relax while studying, my brain has to learn how to work without using anxiety which is helping it become stronger and more independent.  Daily exercise is good for overall health and increases oxygen flow to my brain.  Practicing acceptance also allows for change to take placeand healing from daily trama.

​I’ve been taking a lot of medications for the past 2 years.  The initial change it brought me was the energy I was desperate for.  It is my hope and vision that through medication my brain’s ability to produce its own energy will be restored.  It will be retrained so to speak.  I know it’s possible that one day I may no longer need medication.  My brain is still in a very transitional stage in my life (between the teens and 20’s the brain is still changing) and it is hope that it will be able to become completely healed.

​

In conclusion

The moral of this story is:  even if this thesis isn’t true, it has been very helpful to believe it is.  I have built my coping and healing strategies around these ideas and they’ve worked.  I’ve had far more success with myself when working under the premise of ‘a brain with low energy’ than I ever had when working with a premise of a brain/personality disorder of ‘anxiety, depression, bi-polar .’  This is basically to say that I haven’t had very much success trying to change by dealing with emotional/cognitive healing and I’ve had much more when facing my challenges from a physiological perspective.